Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
