STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
