This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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