rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
