Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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