I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
