did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
