watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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