I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
