i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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