I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
