Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This toilet bowl is my home.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
