I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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