Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Congratulations! We have a period
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