We need to rekindle our bromance
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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