she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
