my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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