I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
