Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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