Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize