all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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