we have officially lost it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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