My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
