i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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