you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
