I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That accounts for only three of the penises
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
