they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize