you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
