In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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