I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
