i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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