mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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