I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
