at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
