I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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