she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
