My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
