Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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