Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
