Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
handjob tips. give me some.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
