It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
