It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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