From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
