I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
