I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
