That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
