Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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