apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
