I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize