A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
we're so committed to being not committed
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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