I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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