I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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