I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
