he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
