Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
how can u be prego again
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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