I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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