Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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