mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
