I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
