What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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