just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
