I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
