i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
