New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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