Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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