phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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