So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
