I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
